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Monday, August 13, 2007

Sleepless nights, Racing thoughts.

I feel like I'm treading water right now...treading just to stay afloat. Once in awhile, like last night, my head slips below the water and I think to myself "I'm tired. I'm drained. When will I find rest?" But then from somewhere deep within I find enough strength to lift my head out of the water and if only for a moment, catch my breath. Unfortunately this morning as I'm lying awake in bed at 6am with a million thoughts running through my head I can feel myself slipping again, back into the water. I'm losing sleep, my mind is racing, and I can't help but think the worst in many of the situations I find myself in. I had a very intimate time with God last night. One that left me with tear stained cheeks and a new realization of the power of God's grace. But as I'm lying awake last night, unable to find sleep, and this morning - I remember myself almost begging to learn of God's will for my life during this time with Him. And now I wonder...will that be shown to me? Will He make it clear? I still feel lost...
My situations aren't worthy of mentioning. But evidently they are worthy of losing sleep over. They make me feel as if I could drown at any moment. In one particular situation, I find myself really wanting to give up. To just throw in the towel and say "I'm over it!" But my heart beats the truth...I'm attached. I'm far from over it. But my head is constantly competing with my heart and tries to be my voice of reason. Anyone who knows me though knows that a voice of reason sounds very small and faint against my emotions.
So what am I looking for? Rest, solitude, peace. Peace within myself. Peace in a relationship. I want an apology. I want someone to see what I see. I want to run away. I want understanding. Yes, ultimately I just want this person to understand. To listen. To care.

1 comment:

jenn said...

hola michelle...thought i would just leave you a comment to let you know that i was reading your blog :). such honest thoughts! i hope you are finding that peace and rest in Him!