I will Run this Race...

...Even if I have no idea when I'll find rest.

I've been searching a lot lately. Inside myself mostly. My life is great, I couldn't ask for anything more, I'm extremely blessed. I know that I shouldn't complain about being back in my parents house- because some people's parents wouldn't allow them to come and mooch off of them for another year. I know I shouldn't complain about being in school..still. Because some people would die to go to college but can't afford it. So I am blessed to have these two things. However, in the same breath- I'm exhausted!! I'm frustrated with school, feeling like I'm getting no where. I have this inkling of a feeling inside of me that I'm not going to use my degree at all. I still have this push inside me to move out. Now just let me make it clear that my parents are two of the most wonderful people. They have done nothing wrong. I'm so grateful for their openness to let me come back and live with them while I'm trying to save money. It's just different when I've been on my own for four years to have to come back to some sort of control. So..anyone need a roommate in the Nappanee area? ha. Financially, home is the best place for me. But for my spirit...well... I need out I think.

Ok I'm done complaining.

I'm not really sure what I have to say today, but I just feel like writing. My griefshare class this week went well. For those two hours per week it opens up old wounds that bring back so much emotion. Some days I really wonder if it's worth it to go through this again, but I'm already learning alot that I wish I would have heard or read when I was going through the beginning stages of grief four years ago after Nick died. I think that going through this and dealing with some unresolved issues will really help in my relationship with Mike. I think that Nick's death effects my relationships more than I'm willing to admit, and I really don't want it to effect this relationship with Mike- so I'm encouraging myself to keep going on Tuesday nights.

On a happier note- I'm looking forward to a few things! Let's begin some countdowns:

CHICAGO with Ashley, Ken, Mike and I: 16 days!

COLBIE CAILLAT CONCERT in Cleveland: 25 days!

KENYA: 3 months!

FLORIDA with Mike!: 5 months!

Growing Up

This morning at work I received an email saying I have to attend a mandatory meeting tomorrow morning to learn about Newmar's 401K program. I am now eligible for this program since I have been at Newmar for a year. For some reason when I read over this email it just struck me- I'm growing up. I'm not sure why this came as a shock to me, but it did. Some days I feel like I'm stuck in a rut where I'm not growing as a person. I am back in my parents house, still going to school, and working at Amish Acres - the same place I worked in high school. But on days like today when I realize that I'm attending 401K meetings and nearing graduation (kind of ) and thinking more about my future that I am growing up, even if some days it feels like I'm stuck. I'm still really wanting to move out, but I realize that financially I can't right now. It will come though. God wants me here right now. It will be nice when Mike moves out though so that one of us has a place of our own.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

I survived...

...Syndeo! Syndeo is over and despite some technical difficulties that are bound to happen, I felt like it was a success. I met some new people and it was great to see how many churches were represented. There were a couple highlights from the night, but I think one of my favorite moments was when Mike and Andy pointed out a guy wearing a Hesston sweatshirt to me. Of course when I see someone wearing Hesston I have to confront them! So I think I freaked this guy out a little bit by being so excited to see him, but I found out that he is the brother of one of the girls that was in my mod at Hesston! It was so great to catch up with him on what his family has been up to.
I feel like God really moved throughout that hill. It was a great scene to watch the sun set on our stage and a crowd of young adults praising Him. It's something that I won't soon forget. After all of the meetings and work involved, it felt so good to stand at the top of the hill and just watch the scene unfold. As frustrated as I may have gotten at times with different circumstances, this moment of quietness with God made it all worth it.
Bring on Syndeo 2008!!

Grief is the price we pay for loving...

Nick Mikel

March 18, 1983 ~ September 13, 2003

Dearest Nick, When you came into our lives and were too quietly and quickly called home, you left footprints on our hearts and your memory will remain with us forever.

Cry to Jesus...

For the past two weeks I've felt this need to just...cry. I'm an emotional person the way it is. But lately the smallest things have triggered big tears. Up to this point I've held them in- because most of the time they come at inappropriate times (in class, at work, times when I'm supposed to be happy..). But tonight as I sit cozy in my bed, I just want to ... let it out. As women, I think it's normal for us to have times like this where we just want to weep for the hurt that we see everyday in the world or something that was said that we took personally. I don't ever feel like I have to justify my reason for crying. However, tonight, I can't think of one single event that triggered these tears. This week has just been one of those weeks that chips away at my spirit. Cry to Jesus is what I hear in my heart. He knows exactly what triggered these tears and what keeps bringing me to this point - even if I don't know the reasons.

I started a GriefShare class tonight at church. I was a little apprehensive about doing this class, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring up emotions that I've buried for the past four years. But I went tonight for the first session. I think it will be a great class to not only help me with some unresolved grief that I still deal with because of the passing of Nick, but also for my future career. Thursday will be 4 years since Nick's accident. Remember to lift up his family in prayer this week.

On a brighter note - Fall is here!! Or so it felt today! It was colder today, and as I was driving I saw a few leaves fall. I love this changing season!

Syndeo...

I've had the pleasure for the past several months of being on the planning committee for a young adult event called Syndeo. This annual event started last year when a group of young adults decided they needed a way to connect with other adults their age in a comfortable, safe environment. This year, I hope that syndeo meets that goal- as it did last year. Here's the details - I would love to see you all there. It is going to be a lot of fun, free food, fellowship, and games and prizes. Plus two great musicians/bands and a very talented speaker. Join us this Saturday, September 15th at 6:00 on the Hill! (corner of SR 19 and CR 50)

I wonder...

...if after 5 years of school if college is really for me! I'm just so unmotivated and I'm thinking all of those people who took some time off after Hesston or even after high school had the right idea. You can always go back later. But now I'm stuck...