The Holidays Are Here!

Let the Festivities begin! I work all weekend, but in my free time this weekend I'm trying to prepare myself for Kenya so that I can enjoy Christmas and not panic about packing! Hopefully I can get everything done by Sunday. I love Christmas for many different reasons, but I love the traditions that come along with it. On Christmas Eve- My family, Mike, and I are going to the Christmas Eve service at church. I have to say that while I'm so glad that I'm at NMC now, I sometimes miss the more traditional Christmas Eve Service at North Main. I'm always reminded of Jim Weldy during this time too. Jim was our worship leader at North Main, and I've grown up with his family. Every year Jim sang "O Holy Night" at the service, and it just didn't seem like Christmas until he sang it. In March of 2004 Jim lost his battle with cancer. But Christmas 2003 proved to be the most memorable for all of us. While that was my first Christmas without Nick, it was also Jim's last Christmas with us. With a patch over one eye because of a protruding tumor, he stepped out of his wheelchair, made his way slowly up the stage, and sang like I had never heard him sing before. Towards the end of the song he grew tired and emotional, and a friend stepped up and helped him finish. To this day I can't hear that song without crying. Jim's memory and legacy lives through that precious song.

On Christmas Day we are having our family's Christmas, followed by my mom's side. The Huber Christmas is a great time for all of us. I love getting together with my family. We are going to the hospital to see my grandpa Mast then, and then I'll be spending Christmas evening with Mike's family. I'm excited for the events of the day. It's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me! Then... The day comes! I leave for Kenya the day after Christmas at noon!

I'll be thinking of all of you during the Holidays! Have a great time with your family!

Countdown Begins...

The only thing going through my mind right now is "HOLY CRAP!!" I leave for Kenya in 9 days!! I feel like Christmas and this trip are sneaking up on me! I'm finally in the Christmas mood though. This snow storm that we had last night has helped with that! We got about 7 inches of snow last night! Mike and I tackled each other into a snow bank this morning, which of course made me want to spend the day sledding, throwing snowballs, and playing in the snow rather then going to work! But alas, work called. It was a slow day there, but it gave me a chance to make a list of things to do/pack/get for Kenya. I feel like I'm finally able to focus!

We, as a Mast family, have had so many things going on in the past month with my Grandpa Mast in the hospital, my wisdom teeth/dry sockets, and Jason's dog dying. But things are finally starting to come together and the Christmas season is in full swing! I hope everyone can put everything aside and remember what makes Christmas so important. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle. I swear it would have been easier to skip right over Christmas this year. But I just have to remind myself that Christmas isn't about the money, gift-giving, or holiday sales!

Updates...

I just looked at my countdown on my page! 12 days til Kenya!! I can't believe it. I'm so anxious. I started making my list of everything that I need to pack, buy, or get done for the trip. I'm such a procrastinator, but I'm really trying to be on the ball when it comes to this. I'm a list-maker. By the time the 26th rolls around, I'll have about 16 different lists around my room. A bit OCD I would say, but it works for me. So far though I've kept it to one long list.

I have a praise! Yesterday my Grandpa woke up!! It's been almost a month and we were beginning to lose hope. But last night it was like God flipped a switch and decided it was time for him to wake up. Because he did! He's awake, alert, and coherent! He can't talk to us yet because of the tube in his throat, but they are hoping to change that soon. He is confused as to what happened and how long he's been in the hospital, and he's mentioned several times that he's ready to go home. His lungs are still a problem, because they still are not functioning like the should be, but this definitely a step - no a leap! - in the right direction! Thank you all for your prayers!

On a little bit of a sadder note, we lost our family dog of 12 years last night. Barkley, who was technically my brother's dog, died sometime during the night. We had taken him to the vet last week, discovering he had a kidney and bladder infection. He was supposed to go back today to be checked again. I contribute most of this to old age though. I feel bad for my brother who is taking this the hardest. He's always been attached to animals, but Barkley was his companion for 12 years. So I ask prayer for him as losing a pet is harder then alot of people realize.

Now a lighter note - I'm done with finals!! One more semester and I'm done!!!!!!

Have a great weekend!
~M

I now have four less teeth. I had all four wisdom teeth cut out yesterday. I was completely asleep so I don't remember a thing, was is kind of a wierd feeling not even knowing that I had them out - but waking up knowing they are gone!

The surgery went well, and the surgeon said it went better then expected - he didn't hit the nerve in my jaw that he thought he might, so I still have feeling in my bottom lip!! Yay! :)

So far the pain isn't unbearable, but pain meds are helping with that. Currently mashed potatoes, ice, and pain meds are my best friend!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I would love to hear from you.

Let it Snow!

Snow!! Nappanee had our first real snowfall last night! Driving home from Bremen last night was a mess, but I couldn't help but stand outside in the cold letting the snow hit my face for just a little bit. As much as I hate snow and winter (mostly because of my 40 min. drive to school two days a week), I love the sight of fresh snow.

I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I'm nervous for this. Possibly more nervous then I should be, but I've never had a cavity or anything, so this is a big deal to me. I have to have all four of the cut out. Luckily, I have chose to be put completely asleep. My consultation was last week and the oral surgeon said that he did see a problem. The nerve that runs through my jaw is higher than most. It runs straight through my wisdom teeth. If he hits this nerve, I will lose feeling in my lower lip. He said that I had to decide whether or not he should take the bottom teeth out, but I'll have to have them out eventually. So I decided I might as well get it over with. There's a big chance that I'll lose feeling, but I guess I'll get used to it.

My grandpa is improving VERY slowly. He's a little more alert, he's starting to follow us around the room with his eyes a little more and responding to things we say by nodding his head. He isn't always this responsive though, this continues to be a roller coaster ride for us. With Kenya coming up so quickly, I just pray for signs of major improvement.

Grandpa...

I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room on the third floor of the critical care unit. I've been here since about 2:30 this afternoon. I went back to see my grandpa and sit with him for awhile. I found myself just staring at him, feeling all lack of emotion. We heard from the surgeon today who reported that he has a 20% chance of making it. It's hard to believe that when my grandpa is starting to wake up after being under heavy sedation for just over two weeks. His eyes were opening, but we know he can't yet see. He was also rolling his head back and forth. Unfortunately, the doctor said all of this would happen, but there was still a 20% chance. Life as I know it dealing with grandparents might be changing soon. I'm still asking for prayer, but now I'm asking for peace. Peace for my dad especially. And for my grandma, who still has high hopes of him coming out of this the same person as he was when he went in two weeks ago. It's good to have faith, but at some point you have to be realistic too. I'm just not sure where you have to draw that line.

We had our first snowfall last night! I didn't feel much in the Christmas mood until last night Mike and I were walking to his car and the snow was flying through the air, it was cold, and the ground was covered with a thin layer of snow. It finally felt like Christmas was right around the corner. I felt like Thanksgiving snuck up on me this year, and while it wasn't the typical thanksgiving for the Mast household with my grandpa in the hospital- I'm still feeling blessed to be surrounded by the family and friends that I am. It doesn't matter where I am for a holiday, or what I'm eating - just as long as the people I care about are with me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love Thanksgiving! Only two days of work at Newmar this week! Too bad I have to work Thanksgiving day at Amish Acres, but it won't be too bad since everyone is required to work. I'm headed to Grandpa and Grandma Huber's for Thanksgiving after I get off work and I'm excited to have the whole family together again. My cousin and his girlfriend are coming up from New Orleans and Mike is going to spend the evening with us as well. I love the holidays, because everyone is brought together! On a sadder point, the whole Huber family will be together, however the Mast family will be a little torn apart. My grandpa hasn't improved much and is still in ICU. He still isn't awake, and despite the doctors' attempts to take my grandpa off the ventilator, he still isn't able to breathe on his own so the breathing tube is still in. Keep him in your prayers.

I hope everyone enjoys their week with friends and family! Christmas is right around the corner!!

37 Days til Kenya..What!? Where did the time go? I just looked at my countdown and realized how quickly that time is approaching. Still so much to do before then!
My life lately has been anything but boring. This last week has proved to not let me down either. On Sunday afternoon last week my Mast family gathered at my aunt and uncle's house in New Paris for Thanksgiving/Christmas (We do this early so my grandparents and head to warmer weather down south). Before we sat down to eat my grandpa complained of chest pain. After asking him several questions and him collapsing in a chair in pain, we called the ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital. To make a very long story short, he's been at the hospital since then. He found out that all arteries were 95% blocked, so he went in Tuesday night for emergency open heart surgery. He had a five time bypass surgery. Everything seemed fine after the surgery so we went home at about 3:30 Wednesday morning. Around 8:00am (after getting a couple hours sleep) we were called back to the hospital by the doctor because a blood vessel in my grandpa's heart tore- and he was losing a lot of blood. From what we've heard now- he should not have lived through that. But the fighter that he is - he did. Currently he's still not breathing on his own, he has had 30 units of blood (thank goodness for A positive blood donors!), and he is not awake. Tomorrow they are going to try for the second time to take the breathing tube out. He is also developing pnemonia. Pray for him and my family as we are trying to get him through this! The doctor has told us that if we can just get him through this little rough patch - he will be fine. We would appreciate your prayers.

On a brighter note- I love that the holidays are coming up! Mike and I went to the mall tonight and the stores are decorated for Christmas. We have been in the holiday movie mood lately too. Tomorrow I got the day off work so Mike and I are having a Christmas movie marathon! I can't wait to relax all day and enjoy his company! Things are going so well! I can't help but smile.

Survey

Check out these pictures that were taken by a local photographer of the tornado damage in Nappanee. It's still amazing to me that no one was hurt...or worse.

http://www.bryanpalmerphoto.com/tornado.htm

Yesterday afternoon after classes I headed out with a couple people from NMC to work with the Red Cross to hand out food and water to families in need around town. We headed to Short Street - a part of town that I had not seen yet since the tornado hit. (I just heard from a police officer that the tornado has been upgraded to an F4.) As I walked through the distruction, I couldn't help but stop and talk to some families standing outside. I talked to a couple guys that despite the fact that they have lost everything, they were so grateful that they still had their family by their side. It's truly a blessing that no one was hurt or killed. At first I was finding myself a little frustrated with God for all the destruction and loss that occurred Thursday night. But after talking with some families I realize how grateful I should be, and I saw just a few of God's blessings through this. Praise Him! If you want to see more pictures, a video, and a slideshow - check out Derry Prenkert's blog. He does a great job at keeping everyone up to date!! http://www.derryprenkert.blogspot.com/

I feel like all anyone is talking about is the tornado - Which is understandable. But besides that, everything is going well. Two jobs plus school is keeping me busier than I would like to be, but Amish Acres is only open for another couple of months, then I'll get a break. Kenya is a mere two months away and I feel like I haven't been able to focus on the preparations very much!! But I'm sure as time gets closer, that will be all I can think about! Mike's sister gets married in ten weeks, and the countdown is on in the Marshall household!! Mike can't wait for her to move out, and his mom is feeling the stress of planning a wedding. Pray for them as they prepare for this joyous event!

Well, the dishwasher repairmen are here and need to know where the fuse box is, so I guess I should go see if they need anything else.

Have a great week!

I don't even know where to start - The past few days have been surreal. Driving around town has been devastating, heartbreaking, and humbling. As most of you already know - Nappanee was hit by a F3 tornado Thursday night around 10:30. The tornado went across a twenty mile path damaging homes and businesses along the way.

Thursday night I was babysitting with Mike for two little girls south of Nappanee. Just before the tornado hit, the girls were in bed, and Mike and I were sitting in the living room watching the weather outside the window. My mom had called earlier to report that bad weather was headed our way and to just watch the news and be alert. As the wind started to blow harder and the porch swing was banging up against the house more often, the power went off, I looked at Mike and said "Maybe we should get the girls..." Just as I said that we saw the tree in the front yard bend (it was a smaller tree) to a 90 degree angle. At that moment Mike grabbed my hand and said "grab Karli - I'll get Kelsi". We got the girls out of bed and ran down into the basement. I could hear the howling outside and just started praying. I still have no idea how we escaped harm and damage. We were right in the path of the tornado and it was as if it just skipped over the house we were at.

However, others were not so lucky. The east side of Nappanee has been destroyed. Dairy Queen and Taco Bell are basically no more. Friends of our family and my boss and her husband lost their homes. It's been an emotional few days as we have helped them clean up, gather their personal belongings (what we could find) and begin the process of basically starting over.

Nappanee will rebuild. We came together yesterday plus 3,000 others to help this community gain back what we lost. We will overcome this, and I praise God for the blessings we have seen through this. There were only minor injuries and we are blessed with so many great friends that will continue to help.

As I'm writing this I'm wondering why - I'm so tired and just need sleep, but here I sit. My eyes a little zombied (I know it's not a word). It's been a crazy couple of days! This weekend I went to Indy to spend some time with Jamie and Sheena. It turned out to be just what I needed to get away for the weekend. We had so much fun just catching up and hanging out. I didn't get enough sleep by any means. It was great to see them again though.

Last night Mike, Ashley, Andy and I all made a roadtrip to Cleveland to see Colbie Caillat in concert at the house of blues. I had been counting down the days til this concert, so I was so excited that it was finally here!! We had a great time, and it was an even better concert. I can't wait to see her again. She was amazing. I wish I had pictures to show, but they are all on my phone, because they wouldn't allow cameras in the venue.

So to say the least I'm dragging after too many nights of not enough sleep!! But, my week just keeps going and it's going to get even busier as I have picked up some extra hours at Amish Acres.

I guess being busy is good? That's what they say right???

After an endless amount of advisors, 5 years, 3 changes of my major, 3 different colleges, 2 transfers, and finally one good meeting at IUSB - I learned that....

I'M GRADUATING IN AUGUST!!!!!

Chicago

The last few days have been rough. I've been overly emotional for the last few weeks. I have no idea why, but it all came to ahead this weekend. Friday night specifically some things occurred that just made me lose it (all for good reason, but still.) Things are ok now, but I just had one of those starts to the weekend that I thought, "I would like to crawl into bed and sleep my way through the weekend and just pretend none of this has happened." But yesterday Mike and I went with Ken and Ashley to Chicago for the day. We took the South Shore and just enjoyed ourselves walking around the city, enjoying Navy Pier and Millennium Park, and a lot of window shopping in stores we couldn't afford. Also, it was an added bonus that the Cubs were playing in town so we enjoyed the excitement of the game that evening (too bad they couldn't pull it off).

It was good for my spirit though to get away and enjoy time with Mike and my friends. We decided we need to do it more often. So as the train rolled on back towards South Bend, I thought - so what if I had a bad start to my weekend? I looked around at three of my best friends and realized that I'm blessed. Regardless of my bad days. I guess this time it took a day in Chicago and a dirty, tiring train ride to remind me.

October! Where did the time go? I feel like the older I get, the faster the time goes for some reason. I welcome this month though. There's so many things going on that I'm looking forward to. None of them involve school I might add. (Yes, I'm still bitter/frustrated/down/pissed about school and the fact that I'm still in it. I just choose not to talk about it anymore and push on.

This afternoon I took Mike lunch during my break, and I was waiting on him I was sitting on his porch watching the leaves fall and spin in the road as the cars drove by. Fall is my favorite season by far. It never lasts long, but I so enjoy the time while it's here. The leaves are beginning to fall, all of a sudden I might add, and it won't be long until we'll have to break the rakes out. My favorite part of fall is driving down a country road where there are trees on both sides, with my windows down, breathing in the warm air and smelling that unmistakable smell of burning leaves.

Fall always reminds us of change. Today as I was sitting on Mike's porch I was thinking of all the changes that need to take place in my heart. I need to be more positive about school and my time spent there (obviously I'm not there yet), I need to change the way I appreciate my time with some people, I need to not take things for granted. While these remind me of New Year's resolutions, they aren't just a quick fix, they involve more a life change. I love the change in colors that the leaves bring this time of year, but I love the change in me that this time brings even more.

Happy October!

I will Run this Race...

...Even if I have no idea when I'll find rest.

I've been searching a lot lately. Inside myself mostly. My life is great, I couldn't ask for anything more, I'm extremely blessed. I know that I shouldn't complain about being back in my parents house- because some people's parents wouldn't allow them to come and mooch off of them for another year. I know I shouldn't complain about being in school..still. Because some people would die to go to college but can't afford it. So I am blessed to have these two things. However, in the same breath- I'm exhausted!! I'm frustrated with school, feeling like I'm getting no where. I have this inkling of a feeling inside of me that I'm not going to use my degree at all. I still have this push inside me to move out. Now just let me make it clear that my parents are two of the most wonderful people. They have done nothing wrong. I'm so grateful for their openness to let me come back and live with them while I'm trying to save money. It's just different when I've been on my own for four years to have to come back to some sort of control. So..anyone need a roommate in the Nappanee area? ha. Financially, home is the best place for me. But for my spirit...well... I need out I think.

Ok I'm done complaining.

I'm not really sure what I have to say today, but I just feel like writing. My griefshare class this week went well. For those two hours per week it opens up old wounds that bring back so much emotion. Some days I really wonder if it's worth it to go through this again, but I'm already learning alot that I wish I would have heard or read when I was going through the beginning stages of grief four years ago after Nick died. I think that going through this and dealing with some unresolved issues will really help in my relationship with Mike. I think that Nick's death effects my relationships more than I'm willing to admit, and I really don't want it to effect this relationship with Mike- so I'm encouraging myself to keep going on Tuesday nights.

On a happier note- I'm looking forward to a few things! Let's begin some countdowns:

CHICAGO with Ashley, Ken, Mike and I: 16 days!

COLBIE CAILLAT CONCERT in Cleveland: 25 days!

KENYA: 3 months!

FLORIDA with Mike!: 5 months!

Growing Up

This morning at work I received an email saying I have to attend a mandatory meeting tomorrow morning to learn about Newmar's 401K program. I am now eligible for this program since I have been at Newmar for a year. For some reason when I read over this email it just struck me- I'm growing up. I'm not sure why this came as a shock to me, but it did. Some days I feel like I'm stuck in a rut where I'm not growing as a person. I am back in my parents house, still going to school, and working at Amish Acres - the same place I worked in high school. But on days like today when I realize that I'm attending 401K meetings and nearing graduation (kind of ) and thinking more about my future that I am growing up, even if some days it feels like I'm stuck. I'm still really wanting to move out, but I realize that financially I can't right now. It will come though. God wants me here right now. It will be nice when Mike moves out though so that one of us has a place of our own.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

I survived...

...Syndeo! Syndeo is over and despite some technical difficulties that are bound to happen, I felt like it was a success. I met some new people and it was great to see how many churches were represented. There were a couple highlights from the night, but I think one of my favorite moments was when Mike and Andy pointed out a guy wearing a Hesston sweatshirt to me. Of course when I see someone wearing Hesston I have to confront them! So I think I freaked this guy out a little bit by being so excited to see him, but I found out that he is the brother of one of the girls that was in my mod at Hesston! It was so great to catch up with him on what his family has been up to.
I feel like God really moved throughout that hill. It was a great scene to watch the sun set on our stage and a crowd of young adults praising Him. It's something that I won't soon forget. After all of the meetings and work involved, it felt so good to stand at the top of the hill and just watch the scene unfold. As frustrated as I may have gotten at times with different circumstances, this moment of quietness with God made it all worth it.
Bring on Syndeo 2008!!

Grief is the price we pay for loving...

Nick Mikel

March 18, 1983 ~ September 13, 2003

Dearest Nick, When you came into our lives and were too quietly and quickly called home, you left footprints on our hearts and your memory will remain with us forever.

Cry to Jesus...

For the past two weeks I've felt this need to just...cry. I'm an emotional person the way it is. But lately the smallest things have triggered big tears. Up to this point I've held them in- because most of the time they come at inappropriate times (in class, at work, times when I'm supposed to be happy..). But tonight as I sit cozy in my bed, I just want to ... let it out. As women, I think it's normal for us to have times like this where we just want to weep for the hurt that we see everyday in the world or something that was said that we took personally. I don't ever feel like I have to justify my reason for crying. However, tonight, I can't think of one single event that triggered these tears. This week has just been one of those weeks that chips away at my spirit. Cry to Jesus is what I hear in my heart. He knows exactly what triggered these tears and what keeps bringing me to this point - even if I don't know the reasons.

I started a GriefShare class tonight at church. I was a little apprehensive about doing this class, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring up emotions that I've buried for the past four years. But I went tonight for the first session. I think it will be a great class to not only help me with some unresolved grief that I still deal with because of the passing of Nick, but also for my future career. Thursday will be 4 years since Nick's accident. Remember to lift up his family in prayer this week.

On a brighter note - Fall is here!! Or so it felt today! It was colder today, and as I was driving I saw a few leaves fall. I love this changing season!

Syndeo...

I've had the pleasure for the past several months of being on the planning committee for a young adult event called Syndeo. This annual event started last year when a group of young adults decided they needed a way to connect with other adults their age in a comfortable, safe environment. This year, I hope that syndeo meets that goal- as it did last year. Here's the details - I would love to see you all there. It is going to be a lot of fun, free food, fellowship, and games and prizes. Plus two great musicians/bands and a very talented speaker. Join us this Saturday, September 15th at 6:00 on the Hill! (corner of SR 19 and CR 50)

I wonder...

...if after 5 years of school if college is really for me! I'm just so unmotivated and I'm thinking all of those people who took some time off after Hesston or even after high school had the right idea. You can always go back later. But now I'm stuck...

I love my life!! So many things are going on right now, and it's all so exciting! School has started, which is a little less exciting, however, it feels good to be in a routine again. My schedule really isn't that bad, but I'm going to have to work hard this semester to keep my grades up.

My dad and I had our first meeting for our missions trip to Kenya! I left the meeting feeling a little overwhelmed at all of the information thrown at us, but overall - I left feeling so excited for this opportunity that God has placed before us. I feel so blessed to be able to share this with my dad as well. Our countdown is down to 4 months - so it's quickly approaching, and I feel that I have so much to do before December 26th! Pray that as the day approaches, my dad and I will have everything in order: Spiritually, emotionally, and financially.

Last weekend Mike took me to Indy to spend some time with two of my best friends. I had really been missing them, so he planned a night that we took off of work and were able to spend some quality time down there. Here's a picture of Sheena, Jamie, Mike, and I at the girls' apartment in Indy. It was so great to spend time catching up with them on Friday night. Thanks girls for a great time! I am so thankful that Mike wanted to go down to spend time with them as well.

On Saturday, while we were in Indy, Mike and I went to the zoo! I had been talking about going to the zoo for awhile, and Mike must have been paying attention because he surprised me with this fun trip! We had a great time looking at all the animals, taking pictures, and of course my favorite - watching the dolphins!!

I guess we tried to make our summer adventures last just a little bit longer, because this past Tuesday Mike and I headed to Chicago for the Cubs game! I had bought tickets for Mike a few months ago as a surprise for his birthday. It was a very hot day in Chi-Town! But we had so much fun at the game, and we had a lot of time to just catch up with each other and really enjoy each other's company. I really appreciate that time that we had together. This semester will be a busy one for both of us, so I am so grateful that we are able to make time for each other like that. Also, at this Cubs game - we made things more official :) Mike and I are now together. He asked me to be his girlfriend during batting practice. haha. It was very sweet and I'm still smiling! I think this was the highlight of my day, but I'm pretty sure the fact that the Cubs beat the Brewers made Mike's day! :)

Well, there's my 'update' post. I haven't done one in awhile. I would love to hear from all of you. I hope all is well, and just know that you are all in my prayers and thoughts often.

Sleepless nights, Racing thoughts.

I feel like I'm treading water right now...treading just to stay afloat. Once in awhile, like last night, my head slips below the water and I think to myself "I'm tired. I'm drained. When will I find rest?" But then from somewhere deep within I find enough strength to lift my head out of the water and if only for a moment, catch my breath. Unfortunately this morning as I'm lying awake in bed at 6am with a million thoughts running through my head I can feel myself slipping again, back into the water. I'm losing sleep, my mind is racing, and I can't help but think the worst in many of the situations I find myself in. I had a very intimate time with God last night. One that left me with tear stained cheeks and a new realization of the power of God's grace. But as I'm lying awake last night, unable to find sleep, and this morning - I remember myself almost begging to learn of God's will for my life during this time with Him. And now I wonder...will that be shown to me? Will He make it clear? I still feel lost...
My situations aren't worthy of mentioning. But evidently they are worthy of losing sleep over. They make me feel as if I could drown at any moment. In one particular situation, I find myself really wanting to give up. To just throw in the towel and say "I'm over it!" But my heart beats the truth...I'm attached. I'm far from over it. But my head is constantly competing with my heart and tries to be my voice of reason. Anyone who knows me though knows that a voice of reason sounds very small and faint against my emotions.
So what am I looking for? Rest, solitude, peace. Peace within myself. Peace in a relationship. I want an apology. I want someone to see what I see. I want to run away. I want understanding. Yes, ultimately I just want this person to understand. To listen. To care.

Blessings

I re-read my last post. Some of the changes I talked about have already occurred. Trina and her family made the move out to Oregon yesterday morning. It was a tough goodbye, but considering I'm horrible with all goodbyes no matter what - it was bound to be tough.

I'm blessed though with a family that I could come back to who let me cry on their shoulders for as long as I needed to. I'm also blessed with some great friends who hugged me, made me smile, and lifted my spirits when I decided I was done crying.

As much as I'm dreading the start of school, there's so many things I'm looking forward to in the next coming weeks. This Saturday I'm heading to Manchester to visit with a few of my high school friends. Next weekend my old roommate, Kristin, and I are taking a day off of work and going to Ft. Wayne for a day of shopping (mostly window shopping by me). Then, the following Saturday- Mike has a special date planned for us. He's taking me to either Ft. Wayne or Indy for the day. He won't tell me where we're going or what we're doing. The only thing he has told me is to take the whole day off of work and to bring two sets of clothes- casual and dressy. I happen to love surprises so I'm in great anticipation of this day!! I also surprised Mike with Cubs vs. Brewers tickets for his birthday. So we are going to the Cubs game in Chicago on the 28th. School starts that same week, but with all the fun things that are planned maybe I'll be able to get through it!

I'm so blessed with great people in my life. Near and Far.

Changes are Coming...

It's almost August, and I'm not quite sure where this summer went! Looking at my calendar I realize that I only have one month left of my summer. This may seem like a solid amount of time for some of you - but for me, who is absolutely dreading school, it's not feeling so comforting. I can feel the changes coming. Not only will I start school again, hopefully in my last year, but my brother will be starting his freshman year at IUSB. This will be a change for all of us in the Mast household, and I feel like my protective big sister trait is coming out as I start to worry about Jason in college! I'm not sure when he grew up, but it happened.

That's only the beginning of the changes. Trina moves in exactly one week. I have tried to put this out of my mind, but the big "sold" sign in front of the Andrews' house that I pass everyday continues to remind me of the truth. It screams at me that sooner or later I will have to face the facts.

"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it...Forever." -Francis Mocuriac.

Kenya is a mere five months away, and if the speed of this summer is any indication of how fast it will come - I'm ready! I can't wait for this experience, I can't wait to hold those babies that so desperately need love. I need my heart to be prepared for leaving those children, even before meeting them. I know how attached I can get.

I guess what I need to remember most is that I'm not alone through all these changes. And change is good. I welcome the new school year (just wish it was without the school part..), and I welcome whatever God has in store for the next year of my life. I'm happy and I can sense a renewed strength in Him. That is the kind of change that I need to welcome into my life more often than I do...

Send me out...

Update on Kenya:

My Dad and I will travel to Kenya, Africa this coming December! We will leave the day after Christmas and return January 4th. We will be traveling with just six other people from NMC, and our primary job will be working at the Abandoned Baby Center. Which is exactly what I wanted to do. It feels like this trip was made just for us - We were looking at going in March, but I knew that I would have to raise alot of money for that trip, plus miss school. Well when we received the call about this December trip - it will be cheaper because we are cutting out the two day safari and I won't have to miss any school at all! God knew just what I needed. Please be in prayer for my dad and I as we ask God to begin preparing our hearts for this trip. We are both so excited, and it will be a great bonding experience for both of us. I just can't wait to hold those beautiful babies! Thank you in advance for your prayer support. It means alot.

I can't help but sit here and think this morning...what if everything I'm striving towards is wrong? I woke up this morning instantly thinking about my choice in a career. Grief Counseling is my passion. I do know that. However, since I've transferred to IUSB I've somehow lost the fire that I once had for the career. And now, I can't help but wonder - where will God take me? Also, relationally. I'm putting so much energy and time into this certain relationship - will it be worth it in the end? Am I willing to get hurt through this process? Is it worth the heartbreak that I feel is destined to come?

I know God doesn't always give us clear answers, but on days like this - it would be nice to have some.

Pastor Dave showed a video on Sunday that I found on YouTube. I wasn't at the service- but my mom told me to watch this video. It's the most heartfelt, honest, display of a Father's love that I've seen a very long time. This is a story of the Hoyt family. The father and son compete together in the Ironman Triathalon. I can't watch this video without crying... I can't help but realize after watching this that this is the way God cares for us. This is the way He loves me. And you. Let me know what you think.

Congrats to the two newest high school graduates in my family! My cousin Adam (on the left) and my not so little brother, Jason (on the right) graduated from NorthWood a couple weeks ago. As of yesterday their open houses are done and they are ready to move on with their lives! I am so proud of my brother. I can't believe he's going to be going to college. Crazy!

Summer is definitely under way, and I am loving my time spent with friends and family. The nights of bike rides, softball games, and late movies are just beginning and I'm so excited to see where this summer may take me.

Also here's a picture of the last group of NMC people who went to Kenya! My dad and I have been excitedly talking about our trip, getting our passports, etc. They will be announcing the dates soon! Also we're taking a Global Impact class this Saturday to prepare ourselves. I just love this picture, and I can't wait to hold those babies myself!!

On a not-so-celebratory note, my heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to the Nine and Flickinger Families. Kim Nine and Deenene Flickinger were killed in a motorcycle crash Saturday night in Nappanee. My deepest sympathies go out to Connie, Ashlie, and Kimmie Nine as they have lost their ex-husband and father; and also to Carl Sr., Carl Jr., and April Flickinger as they deal with the loss of their ex-wife and mother respectively. Let's keep them in our prayers as the coming days bring anger, sorrow, and grief.

Summer is here and it's off to a pretty good start. I've had some quality time with my friends, and some much needed deep conversations about life, love, and God. And most of all my place amongst those three. More recently, my heart has had a longing to move- to relocate. I seem to go through this every few months. But sometimes this urge is stronger than other times. This is one of those times. However, I got to thinking about WHY I find myself wanting to uproot myself and run far away. I had a conversation recently with my good friend Corey, and I think that I'm really scared to just settle. To be in one place for a long period of time. Which is ironic considering I'm now back to where I started..Nappanee. But I'm even scared to settle here. I keep thinking - is there more out there for me? Will I meet the man of my dreams if I move? Will God provide me with the skills and tools I need to be a Grief Counselor here? Or should I relocate to better accomodate? All of these thoughts run though my head and it leaves with a feeling of uneasiness to say the least. Then I wonder if it's just ME feeling uneasy, or if it's really God wanting me to make a change. Life can be confusing, unstable, and completely unpredictable. However, I just keep reminding myself that my time here on Earth is SUPPOSED to be the hard part. Heaven is the reward. So until then, I'll keep searching, keep navigating, and keep feeling uneasy - until God tells me to just settle.

Ready and Waiting...

Summer awaits!!

I have one paper and one (big) final left! Summer is just a couple days away, and it can't come soon enough! I'm ready to throw my books out the window for a few months. Or maybe just throw them back to the bookstore so I can get some much needed money for them!

Regardless, keep me in your prayers as the next 24 hours are filled with paper writing and studying! Also, if anyone knows of any part time work this summer - I'm in need! I'm keeping my job at Newmar, but I need something else too. Have a great week!

Questions...

There's so much going on in our world today, that I just have so many questions. I wonder what God is doing a lot of the time. I know that He has a great plan for all of us, and that living on this Earth isn't supposed to be easy by any means. I know that this place is just temporary and our real home will be in Heaven. But knowing all of this, doesn't bring much comfort when I hear more news about the Virginia Tech Massacre, or police officers in South Bend being shot just for doing their jobs. I struggle with why tornados rip apart neighborhoods and families. My heart hurts for a friend who lost his fiance in a car accident, after just proposing two weeks ago. And yes, my heart still aches for losing Nick and never knowing how that accident happened. I try and imagine where God was throughout all of these times.
I do find comfort knowing that he was there - wrapping his arms around all of the families, victims, and students at VT. He was there in the hotel room when another SB police officer was shot. He weeped for Andrew and his family, and Emily and hers when Emily was killed. He held Andrew as he found out. Just as I know he was in that car with me on that dark Kansas night in September when I found out that Nick was killed. And I know that after four years, he's been with me every step of the way. I do find comfort in all of these things. But it's hard at the end of the day to NOT question why all of these events, and countless others, have happened. I have found peace in the fact that maybe this is God saying -

"Look at the destruction and saddness around you. Feel how your heart breaks. You will see and feel none of that when you are with me. You will find comfort."

Something to Smile about...

Today was an extremely long day on campus, but I couldn't help smiling. My parents have officially given me the OK to go to Kenya next March!! I'm so excited. Nappanee Missionary sends a group to Kenya, Africa every March to work at an Abandoned Baby Center through Africa Gospel Church. My dad is also going to try to go as well. I'm so excited. This is something that I really care about, and after I took a Sociology of AIDS course at IUPUI last fall, I feel even more strongly about going to help in Kenya and spreading God's Word. So for the next 11 months it will be SAVE SAVE SAVE for me as far as my funds go! I would appreciate prayers as we all know I'm not the best saver.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Virginia Tech. campus today. The news of the shooting is horrific, and I can't even begin to imagine how those students and families are feeling tonight. They have all been cheated out of normal college experiences, and my heart goes out to them.

...Virginia Tech you are in our prayers...

I gave in...

Ok, Ok, I joined the bandwagon of blogging. Truth is, I just miss writing. Yes, I have my journal and I love it, but for some reason this is different. So here it is - my thoughts and ramblings as I try and figure out what God's plan is for my life in this world. Some days that plan seems so clear, and others- well, His plan for my life isn't always so crystal clear. I find myself wanting to change directions 100 times while wondering if the path I've chosen is right. So currently where am I heading? One more year of school to obtain my bachelor's (this isn't coming soon enough. I'm so ready to graduate.) I'm working towards a bachelor's in Sociology in attempts to become a Grief Counselor. This has been my passion for over a year now - and I can't imagine a job that I would want more than this. But the path to this career has been anything but smooth and well-guided. This is one of those things that I wonder if I'm choosing the right path. I know that this is something I want to do, but is God using this in His plan for me? I moved back to Nappanee 4 months ago after being away for three years. I thought that this is where God wanted me. But now I'm feeling like a move is in my future. I don't know where or when. But it's just a stirring that I feel in my heart. I do know, however, that I was supposed to be here for a reason. And anyone who has known me well enough for the last 4 months has seen that firsthand. God is definitely at work in me. Sometimes I just wish I was clued in to all of his plans! I know we all feel this way from time to time, and I guess that's why He tells us not to fear, because He does know the plans for us. I believe God has a sense of humor though - and loves to watch us think that we know where our lives are headed.
Well speaking of all that schooling that I'm tired of...it's on to the homework.